Precious Pearl

Her name was Rupa and she was on a road trip. She had done this road trip 4 times before, or 6 if you count the one-way drives. That meant she had spent over 84 hours on almost the same combination of interstates and state roads. There were other road trips she had done as many times, but this time, something was different. The roads, even after their untiring spates of construction were the same. But she had changed. This time she had her personal DJ on the trip, and as soon as he figured out how to connect his phone to the rental's bluetooth system, they could stop listening to Bruno Mars on the radio! He wasn't the one who made her different by the way. He was on the trip with her, but this story isn't about him. We just need him to play some music so Rupa can sing her heart out. She knew she didn't sound too good, but didn't care. Singing made her happy. When she sang, she could feel the poet's feelings - the pain, hope, happiness or plan simple randomness that was contained within the song.

As Bruno Mars droned on in the background, she reflected on all her road trips along these roads. The first one was to start a new job after finishing grad school. They told her grad school would be tough, and she thought she could handle everything. But then it broke her down. She thought she had hit rock bottom when she had cried and admitted to another human being that she was finding things difficult. She thought it was her parent's divorce that made things difficult for her, knowing that the night she left for grad school was the last night they lived together in the same house. But then she tried to analyze her feelings some and figured it was the guilt of leaving her mother behind, alone. She was never close to the woman, and let's not get into the why of the matter. She cried through her first semester, thought she lost everything, because this was her only shot at making something of herself and screwing up grad school meant she would never get a real job. She didn't know what she would go back to, where her home was, where her anchor lay. She went home for her winter break, realized how much she didn't want to be home, stuck in her old monotonous job and found the resolve to get through grad school - with or without tears. She did well after that and landed this job, which would be most people's dream job. It might have been hers as well, but she didn't think about these things. Graduating with academic honours wasn't an achievement for her, she knew she was good and expected it. And hence getting that job didn't mean much either. Don't get me wrong, she was grateful for the opportunities it afforded her, but she didn't dwell on how lucky she was.

Her DJ finally connected his phone and she instantly knew the song and started singing along, without half a care in the world about what he or anybody else thought about her voice or about how out of tune she was with the music. Rupa didn't care. The music made her feel, and it had been a while since she had felt something other than pain, guilt, regret, sadness, loneliness, helplessness, claustrophobia or utter desolation. The song was peppy, and she was in a happy mood.

As she drove on, she thought about the other times when she had made this trip - twice to run away from a storm, and once to run into a storm! She didn't know that she was running into a storm, but as she drove on, she found herself hopelessly caught in one - and she was the only one on that interstate chasing her personal storm. But she didn't want to think about that either. She was busy being amused about the first storm! She still found it funny how she drove 643 miles because they ordered a mandatory evacuation, which for most people meant a 2-5 mile road trip! But the trip was worth it. The first time she ran away, she went to live with Ash. Or at least, that was what his friends called him. She showed up with 5 hours lead time, and he was still extremely welcoming. He offered his bedroom to her, saying, "You're a woman and you should feel safe, welcome and comfortable" and took the couch for a week. "Feel free to lock yourself in as long as you like, I have everything I need by my couch". Ash didn't know she was trying to run away from something other than a storm. To be fair, Rupa didn't know either. But she felt safe, comfortable and at home. She didn't lock herself in, but she knew he wouldn't venture in. She slept in late, and Ash had already left for work when she came out of her room.  He left her instructions on the options for breakfast and she made herself something nice. His kitchen, like the rest of the house was very clean and well organized and she enjoyed cooking. She was young then, not much of a chef, but in Ash's kitchen, she felt like a professional. He came home for lunch to meet her, made her something nice, and then went right back to work! Rupa was married to her job, but she was a slacker compared to Ash.

As she lounged around the apartment, Rupa realized the next day was Ash's birthday. As she silently hoped everyone back home would be alright, she couldn't help but chuckle at the thought that Andrew had picked an appropriate day to make landfall. Looking back, it's funny she felt like that, because Andrew's devastation was symbolic of the devastation that was about to be unleashed in her life. That day though, she was oblivious, warm, cozy and comfortable. She picked up a cake from somewhere famous and then spent the next 5 hours making Ash's favourite dessert. She didn't do that for most people, but Ash comforted her. He was older, wiser and one of her dearest friends. It's funny how she felt so close to him, because she had barely known him for a few months before she graduated and moved away. But she felt an strong connection to him, probably because she sensed in him the internal struggle that was beginning to brew in her heart around the time she met him. Ash was someone she didn't have to share these feelings with, just knowing he was a part of her life allowed her to feel like she wasn't the only one grappling with internal conflicts.

Rupa respected Ash, a sentiment she rarely felt for most men in her life. And it wasn't just because he was older than her. Ash was fearless and quit a comfortable life to literally go save the earth! She had read about people who gave up everything to save someone or something. Rupa knew why people like Ash did these things. They did it because that was the only way they knew how to deal with their internal struggles - by running away from the monotony of their lives. Saving someone didn't make them feel like heroes. It was how they healed their pain of being left alone to deal with unfair circumstances. It was how they avoided feeling victimized by the events in their past. It was how they exerted control over their fate by controlling it's departure from the normal. Today's road trip was Rupa's attempt at running away from the realities of her life. She thought about running further away as well, quitting her job and going to a remote country with no internet. She knew such a place too. But Rupa knew she would never come back if she went. And so she sang instead.

She sang and went on road trips. Today she turned up the volume, brushed aside the thought of all the meteorological and metaphorical storms in her life and sang her heart out. She knew she'd have a sore throat at the end of her twelve hour drive, but right now, singing felt right. It was all the anchor she needed!

"Well, I am not much of a dancer..."
"That's ok. If you don't know what to do, just twirl me around!"
And so he did, and they danced...

The band played Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the U.S.A' and she told him she wasn't even born in the USA. He told her that he was a Canadian born in Europe. She wanted to ask where in Europe and how he ended up here. But she didn't. Because that would have meant telling him her story as well and she didn't want to.

She didn't think he was untrustworthy, but she just wasn't sure what her story was anymore. She didn't know if it mattered what her story had been. She just wanted to forget, stop thinking and enjoy the music. Dancing made her feel alive. She needed a drink to loosen up sometimes and the right pair of shoes. After three ligament injuries to her knee, two back injuries, one of which was sustained dancing in the rain, she wanted to make sure her shoes were right. She wore boots that night and loved the sound they made on the dance floor. She felt the music and it made her come alive again. She always felt the music. She was a little dramatic and cliched in that sense. Maybe even a little old fashioned. But at 30, she was old!

He asked her her name. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Su". She just knew she was Su tonight. Not Sunaina. She saw Sunaina in the mirror, but Rich told her that she should go by "Su". He called himself Rich, because he thought Richard was too long a name! She told him they all called her Naina, but he told her she looked like "Su". So when this stranger asked her her name, she said "Su", because she was tired of being Sunaina. Sunaina had gone through a lot of pain and she was here to forget. The anonymity that "Su" afforded her gave her comfort, because she was here to run away from her feelings and didn't want to be found tonight. She wanted to ask his name, but then that would mean getting to know him. She didn't want to get to know anyone or feel close to them. She wanted to feel the music and she wanted to feel her body move. She always said her body was made to move. She could never sit still. It might have had something to do with how restless her mind had always been, but she didn't think too much about it. She over-thought a lot of things, but this wasn't one of them.

Su enjoyed herself dancing with the stranger, who by the way, was a real gentleman. She had no way of knowing, but he left his friend alone and danced with her, because she asked him to. So he must either be a terrible friend, or somewhat of a gentleman. Rich told her that guys found it tough to approach girls and wished sometimes that girls would approach them and make it easier. Rich said a lot of things like that and she wasn't sure she trusted him. But that night, she had had two drinks, which in Naina's world was one month's supply. It was in her old world. In her new world, she easily went through a wine bottle a week, all by herself. Wine was the only alcohol she allowed herself to drink alone, and it might have been because she secretly thought wine was a food group. It was when she was enjoying her Merlot and telling Rich about the guy she wanted to ask out at a bar, but didn't, that Rich told her that she should ask guys out and show them some mercy. So after two drinks and an insatiable desire to dance, she decided she would find herself a partner. She got asked to dance sometimes, but that night she went with a friend who was a boy and nobody would ask out a woman who came in with another man. I say boy because he was supposed to be her wingman but was too shy to introduce her to anyone. Maybe that's why Rich got in her head and as she walked back to the dance floor after a little break, she stopped by their table and asked, "Which of you knows how to dance?"

And so, Su danced. And she danced to Born in the U.S.A as well. She had no clue why the band would pick that song, but they did a really good rendition and Su felt herself move. And felt him twirl her. They always liked to twirl her. She looked pretty when twirled. Her dress would flare out, and her hair would fly and she would look free and happy and unburdened.

He asked her if she was about to get married to the guy she came in with. She laughed and said, "Him? Oh no! He's my brother!". She's not sure why she said brother and not, friend-who's-a-crappy-wingman. It might have been because it was a mouthful and all she wanted was to dance. To tap her feet to the music. To know her body moved perfectly to the beat of the music. She was a perfectionist, even when drunk. And so she danced with the Canadian. And then she felt bad for having him leave his friend alone, and after a while, told him to go back. And he was still very chivalrous and gracious towards her "brother", who he thanked for letting him dance with Su. But Su wasn't done dancing that night and she danced with some not so memorable men, a woman who also twirled her and executed a perfect fall! She loved that, because her hair fell back and shined and looked just perfect!

Damn you, Rich! I had a good time. Thanks for getting your bullshit in my head this one time. Only this one time though, ok?

It's been about 9 years. After K left for her MBA, I got caught up with the whole 12th standard board exams, engineering college entrance exams, finding a job, taking the GRE, finishing a masters and then finding a job again, and then working a million hours a day to keep afloat, and completely forgot about blogging!