Friday, December 26, 2008

Proof of the Pudding is in the Pudding itself

That’s another gem from K. I could write a collection of her words of wisdom, but maybe we could use that post to redeem the self respect she’s going to lose once this post is made.

K is trying (desperately) to complete an MBA at AIM, Manila. She’s been there since August and now she has come to India for a short vacation. When she went to Manila, Bond took her to Thailand, and went to drop her off at Manila and get her settled down in Manila. So with Bond around, she didn’t have to worry about travel formalities. But this time, she was traveling alone. So Bond was afraid she might get lost and depressed in all the big airports of the world. So he sent her an e-mail explaining to her in detail how to go about immigration and customs. Also, he sent her a scanned copy of a blank arrival card, front as well as back. Then he also sent her a completed sample copy of the arrival card, the sample being her details. Also, he wrote out instructions at certain steps about where the card must be submitted and who will stamp what and where. He also asked her to thoroughly check out the sample form, print and keep a copy with her to use as a reference while filling the actual arrival form, which K did as soon as she received Bond’s e-mail. After sending the e-mail, Bond probably realized that K might print out copies of the arrival card herself and submit those, so he sent her another e-mail explaining to her that she will be given the arrival card on the flight, and in case she is not given one, then she need not worry, or be prepared with her own copies, she can collect one after landing, just before the immigration counter.

He also wrote, “After collecting your baggage from the belt, move towards the customs and look for the Green Channel. You may have to put your baggage through the X-Ray there and if you are lucky, the customs guy may tell you to move on without the X-Ray. In any case you do not need to worry whether the baggage goes through the X-Ray or you move out just like that. Then follow the exit sign and I will be there waiting for you.” Maybe, recession has hit Bond too, and therefore he has a lot of futile time to spend in writing out these instructions for K. I just hope it passes away soon.

And besides Bond, even a classmate of K has been striving to idiot proof her existence. On a casual chat, he started giving her pointers regarding immigration and customs in Manila and how to go about paying the tax at the airport and how much the cab ride to the airport should cost, and how much money she must carry, etc.

Btw, an Update: I now know the reason K why K wanted to give her laptop away to a courier delivery guy. It was just a cheap trick to get a new laptop. In any case, without giving the laptop away, she got a new laptop, and since then, the old laptop has been safe.

Also, we have a spare scanner. It’s as good as new. Ever since we bought it, it has been forgotten in our loft. So it’s an un-used scanner. It will be found to be extremely useful for people who need to prove their honesty by means of scanning certain documents and e-mailing them to prove their stories. The cost is negotiable. Also, since a cousin will be traveling to Delhi, Rampur, Delhi, some place, then the USA, anyone living in any of the afore mentioned places will get a special discount on delivery charges.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Lovely, Helping People,

We (K and I) are in need of help. I need help, because our lovely K, light as a feather, K has jumped on and broken my right hand.

But K needs more help than I do. I don’t know the reason, but it looks like she is feelings really rich and charitable. Today, a courier delivery man came to deliver a courier and asked for a pen. So K felt such an intense connection with the man, that she severed all connections between us and snatched the laptop I was using, disconnected the mouse, picked it up, and took it out of the study room to the courier delivery man and started giving it to him.

Therefore, People, please be good to us and help us out.

Btw, I need someone knowledgeable to kindly explain to me how to make a pdf file of the music of Jab We Met. Or if you can't explain to me how to create it, then please explain to K that it cannot be created.

Thank You,
Pearl

P.S. Please do not ask K for any writing material till the matter is sorted, so that I may also be able to get an education. Although I now feel that the pursuit of education ruins you completely.

P.P.S. Another reason why she needs help is because she claims I can only blog in Italian over her dead body, although I am the one who has interacted with Italians longer than her. Actually, she has NEVER met any Italians in her life. And contrary to her claims, she has never even gone to this particular restaurant in Pune, where she claims to have met her Italian spouse. In case you don’t understand any of this, it is all her fault.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Back to business, Kronicles as usual!

Dear Lovely People of the World,

It's been many years since I have written a post. Let me bring you up to date with all the trauma K has been causing everybody in her vicinity…(If you don't have a strong heart or have very strong mirror emotions, you'd rather not read this)

Firstly, I made the mistake of scoring only 90.15% in my tenth and she's still making me feel bad about it. After that, she and one of my new sisters keep making fun of my college. My college may try to make three people sit on a bench meant for one a half person, it may be located in a galli and may be called Modern, the professors there may love to tell the students about how the college, its professors and students are utterly middle class, when we sit in class, we may hear the whistles of pressure cookers and even sad filmy song, but my college is the nicest college on planet earth. It even gave me books at the beginning of the year so that I now have all my books in duplicate. Btw, if it interests anybody, I am studying a vocational subject (in place of HIndi and Marathi and all that) at Modern and Hep College and will never have to go back to Shark Teeth Marathi teacher type language teachers.

Some time ago, after my college started, when K was bored, we went for a trek to Visapur in August and later we also went to Torna. K also allowed me to read a few novels after my tenth. The monster had actually gone and told shrieky to stop me from reading novels. (Shrieky was my maths teacher who loved to shriek. But unfortunately, she had taught K 8 years before she taught me and has never recovered from the trauma which caused her to be transformed into someone amused by silly things such as shouting at us).

Just in case my English doesn't look(!) good, please don't be very angry with Modern teachers only because they teach us English in Marathi. I guess its my fault I am not being a good student and learning well.

Anyways, the real purpose of this post is to gather sympathy. So let me describe the latest trauma. Read only if you are currently in possession of a pack of tissue papers…which also happens to K's favourite commodity.

K's latest claim is she's bomb blast fighting. And what is she fighting with in reality? Me. In an e-mail, my new/weird sister claims she's at the receiving end of K's gunfire (rubbish). But I am the real tortured soul. I am at the receiving end of K's newly found wisdom…plagiarized wisdom; I am at the end of all the shouting and beating a frustrated monster can humanly manage. I am also at the end where you discover the petrol in your bike suddenly disappears.

She gives me ideas and when I realize them, she berates me and calls me cheap. Is it cheap to misuse the facilities of an engineering college? Is it wrong to not pay for parking in a pay and park? Is it wrong to go park your bike in another college where parking is free for students?

Like her servile wife, I wait till she comes home, so that we can have dinner together and she then gobbles up all the dinner of the world without me!

I need good health to bear the non sense I am subjected to. Therefore, I request all the good people of the world, to please, sincerely make an effort to convince her to take me for a tiny trekky trek. I am like a bird in a cage. The staleness of this post is evidence of the fact that I desperately need to be taken out of this house for some fresh air. Btw, she took me to Bombay last week. Bombay's her idea of fresh and clean air and and nice, peaceful, open environment. The fever has gone away, the cold is almost gone, but the cough still persists. So I need fresh air. It's a medical emergency.

Bombay reminds me, K is named after a dog (female dog) and this time when she was in Bombay, she even met the dog. And seriously, they connected really well. I mean the dog who barked and sniffed at me for ten years, only remote-sniffed K for 30 seconds.

Btw, as I was writing this post, I was exposed to new non sense. I need someone to explain to me how I can "suffocate" her "hand" by lying next to her???

Btw, K claims she's an egg. She should make a public announcement herself, shortly. I only thought I should let you know since you have so nicely and patiently read my post.

Love,
Pearl

Monday, July 23, 2007

I'm so Lucky!!

That's what I have been hearing ever since the SSC results have been announced. All my classmates and the shark-toothed Marathi teacher let me know that I was "lucky" to have scored a 90.15. And after a month of getting offended and fuming and complaining about it and fighting with K darling (it's so convenient to fight with her when you feel like beating up someone), I realised that I am indeed lucky thanks to K.

I was upset by the fact that everybody called me "lucky" for having a good result (and not achieving it), and so, the “Spiritual” K turned to her “Spiritual Guru”, Google Baba for help. The following is some of Google Baba's priceless and eye-opening advice:

“Luck is an event where opportunity meets preparation”. – Anthony Robbins.

Here is another one from
here:
We consider people lucky when, using no apparent effort, they just automatically run into favorable situations that we call luck. Luck isn't necessarily a result of karma or coincidence. I believe that these lucky people actually "unconsciously generate" their so-called luck. They think and behave in ways that create good fortune in their lives. A large part of this is through a positive attitude or mindset…

And this is another nice one. Some (really really long) excerpts from it :

Isn't there a distinction between chance and luck?
There's a big distinction. Chance events are like winning the lottery. They're events over which we have no control, other than buying a ticket. They don't consistently happen to the same person. They may be formative events in people's lives, but they're not frequent. When people say that they consistently experience good fortune, I think that, by definition, it has to be because of something they are doing.

In other words, they make their own luck.
That's right. What I'm arguing is that we have far more control over events than we thought previously. You might say, "Fifty percent of my life is due to chance events." No, it's not. Maybe 10% is. That other 40% that you think you're having no influence over at all is actually defined by the way you think.

What are some of the ways that lucky people think differently from unlucky people?
One way is to be open to new experiences. Unlucky people are stuck in routines. When they see something new, they want no part of it. Lucky people always want something new. They're prepared to take risks and relaxed enough to see the opportunities in the first place.


How did you uncover that in your lab?
We did an experiment. We asked subjects to flip through a news-paper that had photographs in it. All they had to do was count the number of photographs. That's it. Luck wasn't on their minds, just some silly task. They'd go through, and after about three pages, there'd be a massive half-page advert saying, STOP COUNTING. THERE ARE 43 PHOTOGRAPHS IN THIS NEWSPAPER. It was next to a photo, so we knew they were looking at that area. A few pages later, there was another massive advert -- I mean, we're talking big -- that said, STOP COUNTING. TELL THE EXPERIMENTER YOU'VE SEEN THIS AND WIN 150 POUNDS [about $235].

For the most part, the unlucky would just flip past these things. Lucky people would flip through and laugh and say, "There are 43 photos. That's what it says. Do you want me to bother counting?" We'd say, "Yeah, carry on." They'd flip some more and say, "Do I get my 150 pounds?" Most of the unlucky people didn't notice.

But the business culture typically worships drive -- setting a goal, single-mindedly pursuing it, and plowing past obstacles. Are you arguing that, to be more lucky, we need to be less focused?
This is one of the most counterintuitive ideas. We are traditionally taught to be really focused, to be really driven, to try really hard at tasks. But in the real world, you've got opportunities all around you. And if you're driven in one direction, you're not going to spot the others. It's about getting people to have various game plans running in their heads. Unlucky people, if they go to a party wanting to meet the love of their life, end up not meeting people who might become close friends or people who might help them in their careers. Being relaxed and open allows lucky people to see what's around them and to maximize what's around them.

Much of business is also about rational analysis: pulling up the spreadsheet, running the numbers, looking at the serious facts. Yet you found that lucky people rely heavily on their gut instincts.
Yes. You don't want to broadly say that whenever you get an intuitive feeling, it's right and you should go with it. But you could be missing out on a massive font of knowledge that you've built up over the years. We are amazingly good at detecting patterns. That's what our brains are set up to do.
(This is something I watched in a documentary titled "Human Instinct". It said that a part of our brain, immediately starts to compare the current situation with past ones and what you think is gut feeling, is actually a result of analyzing your experiences and realizing the differences between the current situation and the past situation.)

What are some other ways you found that lucky people's minds operate differently?
They practice "counterfactual thinking." The degree to which you think that something is fortunate or not is the degree to which you generate alternatives that are better or worse.

Unlucky people say, "I can't believe I've been in another car accident." Lucky people go, "Wonderful. Yes, I had a car accident, but I wasn't killed. And I met the guy in the other car, and we got on really well, and there might be a relationship there." What's interesting is that both ways of thinking are unconscious and automatic. It would never occur to the unlucky people to see it a different way.

But can we acknowledge that sometimes bad stuff -- car accidents, natural disasters -- just happens? Sometimes it's purely bad, and there's nothing good about it.
I've never heard that from a lucky person.

So if you buy that way of thinking, then there is no bad luck.
That's right. That's what was weird about conducting some of the interviews. Subjects would say, "I'm the luckiest person alive" -- and they'd come up with dreadful stories. They'd have the same life events as the unlucky person, but they'd look at them entirely differently.

Isn't that just a fancy version of the power of positive thinking?
There's more science to it -- as opposed to the classic "Just think positive, and you'll be successful." I think if you understand a little about where it's coming from, it's a bit easier to adapt into your life.

We had a subject named Carolyn. When she would come to the unit to be interviewed, it would be just this whole string of bad-luck stories: "I can't find anyone. I'm unlucky in love. When I did find someone, the guy fell off his motorbike. The next blind date broke his nose. We were supposed to get married, and the church burned down." But to every single interview, she'd bring along her two kids. They were 6 and 7 years old -- very healthy, very happy kids who'd sit there and play. And it was interesting, because most people would love to have two kids like that, but that wasn't part of her world, because she was unlucky in her mind.


K also quoted Robert Frost:
"Education is the ability to listen to anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."

(Do not think that Google Baba is not wise because he never said any of those things. He's not a plagiarist. Because, though Google Baba may not have said those things, it was he who brought them to our notice. That's why he's still “The Baba” and the coolest dude of Baba-land)

K also generated her own wisdom, (which she claims she did before turning to the great “Google Baba”)

Why do you *need* Bond to buy you your seat Pearl? I can't understand you?
What are you worried about??
And what are you irritated about??
People saying you're "LUCKY"??????

Of course you're a lucky (swear word I removed to avoid obscenity on my blog)... because you've *created* your luck. Lady luck is not some mythological character.

Dude, you are lucky, and your luck will stay with you for ever, because you create it. You'll just have to get used to being lucky.

(She said all this because I for one moment wanted to "buy" a seat, because for that one silly moment I thought that Merit was just a fancy term, that would become part of the old English after a couple of years.)

Unlike K, I won't generate my own wisdom. But I do acknowledge the fact that I am lucky and I love it that way :)

P.S. K has also brought to my kind attention the fact that she learnt a new word, which is "shadefreude".

Sunday, June 10, 2007

da k learns da knew lingo

I always thought K's English was impeccable. However, after she has started working, her personality has undergone a major metamorphosis. First, she harassed people with her checklist mania. Last week, she even drove me to the extent of tying her hands so that I could get some work done without her interference and her picking up everything I was working with and messing up the whole place. After messing up everything in the name of organistion, she now wants to work on her communication skills. She believes that in "today's world", her communication must be crisp and to the point. So she asked me to tutor her on "chat language". The following is the conversationg we had on orkut.

Btw, she started it all. And we were not more than a foot away from each other. Our computers were even on the same table. But she wants to be tech savvy.

K: Hi Ankita... how u r? M fine nd gd. Enjyn lfe. U 2??

Me: wats up wid u? y r u typin in da cheep langwage sum ppl use in ma scrap buk?
(What's up with you? Why are you typing in the cheap language some people use in my scrap book?)
Btw, in this dialect, block letters don't exist :P

K: Oops... I'm sorry. But I'l still learning.

Me: No you don't sound sorry, or else you would have corrected yourself atleast this time.
Its:
oops.. im sory. but il stil learnin.
One more tip:
The only punctuation is the period :P

K: oops.. m sry. bt ill lrn soon. spclly if u tch me prprly.

P.S: Is this better??

Me: No it's not. It's like this:

ps. is tis better..

I told you. Only period. No question or exclamation. The ellipses (two dots here. So maybe they're not ellipses after all :D) are enough to indicate a question.

K: but i dnt wnt 2 lrn sch a crpy lnguge. i cnt undrstnd nethng.

Me:Can you be frugal with the use of the period? Every sentence of your's ends with one? You have no value for anything? Because of peole like you the question marks, the exclamation marks, the vowels are all extinct. Learn to behave yourself. I am disgusted!

K: den wht m i suppsd 2 do wid da perod.. or cn i combne 2 sentncs nd nt ful stp dem nd use preposition 2 indicate new sentences..

Me:Now do you want the consonants to be extinct as well? 'And' can be sufficiently expressed with 'n'. Supposed need not be written with two p's. Since the vowels are on the verge of exticntion, 'the' can be expressed as 'd'.

People like you should be banned from orkut. The punctuation is gone, the vowels are going, now you're about to send the consonants away. Are you working towards the end of all written communication?

K: As a matter of fact, Yes.

K: Btw... I can't get a head or tail of the conversation we've been having. I'm lost. Can we please revert to English?

Me: No no. We must revert "BACK" to English. How can we only revert? Do you want to go only halfway upto English?

After this, the people from the lunatic asylum came to take us away, so we had to abort the conversation and had to flee from our own homes. Our own homes!!!! Besides, we anyways couldn't even understand ourselves.

Love,
Pearl

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Back with a bang... and the much awaited Kronicles!

Now that I have recovered from the shock of all the horrible malpractices I witnessed during the SSC exams and the shock of spending two week ends with my sister, I am prepared to write a post.

Keeping with the tradition of this blog, we obviously, post the Kronicles!!!!!

Shona babes, popularly knows as the Great Kathak, apparently has started to get very seriously involved in her work. She seems to enjoy working from 8 in the morning to all horrid times of the night. A couple of times right upto morning; which is totally destroying her. Dedication to work is nice. I appreciate it. It's a good charater trait and all things nice. However, she has turned into a psychopath working this way... not that she wasn't mad before!

1. She never takes my calls or reads or listens to my messages. In fact she comes home and reads or listens to them in front of me.
2. When I commented on her laziness last weekend and called her unproductive, she responded (half in her sleep) that she was very productive because she didn't have her cell phone with her. Thanks for teaching me what productivity was didi. Till today I always thought productivity was about creating something or maybe doing something usefull, something that has some value. But now I am wiser and know that productivity is about staying away from your cell phone. Therefore, I promise to throw away my phone. I too want to be productive so that I too can get into the IIT's or maybe NIT's or some nice college and become all the more productive.
3. Poor thing has this ancient window AC in her room and is jealous of my brand new, remote-controlled, split AC. She thinks I am the reason her AC over cools her room and she cannot sleep. She almost murdered me for that today morning when I took the risk of trying to wake her up without any protection.
4. She was always a "checklist" obsessed creature and had a checklist even if she had to go out for a picnic. She always claimed that she was operating at SEI CMMi level 3 - the stage where everything is "defined", "repeatable" or something to that effect. Now, after she has started working on the project she currently is working on, this disease has gotten worse. She claims she's SEI CMMi level 5 now - with her checklists and her art of writing checklists undergoing "continuous improvement". It doesn't help she's some sort of a "Quality" person in her team whose job is to make and update all sorts of inane checklists!. She even makes a checklist about clipping her finger nails and toe nails! She has absolutely no limits. I pity her manager! I am sorry to invade on your privacy Shona, but three senseless items on her check list are
  • Skipping
    • Saturday
    • Sunday
  • Sorting Clothes (This is about separating her "new" clothes from my "new" clothes - the ones we picked up today.)
  • Watching Fountainhead (Btw, I picked that up for her a week ago)
5. She is also so sleep deprived (because she comes home and then chats nineteen to a dozen on her cell phone till early morning, and then wakes up and rushes to office :( ) that she has been sleeping for 12 hours a day for the past two weekends. So she makes me stay at home all weekend waiting for her to get up in the afternoon and then we go out in the evening. The exception being today when she got up at 10 and finally took me shopping so that I now have clothes and accessories that make me look more civilised. Btw, we went shopping for me, and the total clothes count for her and me is the same - 7 T-shirts each, 2 salwar kameezes for her, 1 for me... 2 pairs of denims for me, 1 for her! This when she decided she wouldn't pick up a single pair of clothing!!!

I think five irritating things about Shona are enough for one set of the Kronicles! Just thinking about this monster of a sister, who lately has been playing taxi driver to her colleagues at various odd times of the night and weekends is enough to give me a head ache.

I promise I will post lovelier things next time. Not "Kronicles" about my weird sister who no longer cares about me. I think we should phase out this section! Now she's moved on from being my official typist to being my "reviewer". And she's threatening me to not review my posts if I do not type them in MS Word, so that she can review them and use the "track changes feature" to edit and mark review comments on my post! And then she wants to re-review my "review comments incorporated" post! Whoa!

However, I still love her in spite of her meaningless and senseless existence. Just like someone likes being with their pet. We're not attached you know, we just like being together. (I am sorry readers if you do not understand this statement. I am just trying to embarass my sister).
Not attached - Separate (like Shona's attol whatever test... whatever that is :P ... she actually had the nerve to talk about attol whatever test to some team member from Manipal over roaming!!!!) Eeks...!!!!!

Dear readers,

I promise to post more often now!

Love,
Anks!

P.S: I doubt my "reviewer" will ever recover from reading her own nonsense documented! - Oh... that's another thing she fancies - Word documentation. In college she even wrote reports about one day visits to places where she could have done without writing the report. Properly formatted and all.... talking about formatting, the idiot even formats her text messages on the mobile... and ... Well... some other day!

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Sunday, November 05, 2006

The Kronicles must go on...!!

They say "The show must go on". I say, the "Kronicles must go on". Pearl is missing from the face of planet earth, this however is no reason for someone to not post Kronicles. The reader should be entertained, I say! So I'm here with the Pearl Kronicles ;)

(Initially posted on my blog)

Pearl off late has been experimenting with the "Scooty". With the old scooty that I, in the good old days, used to ride. Its the scooty that took me to Sinhagad. Its the scooty that took me to Khadakwasla Dam. That took me across 30 km of the Bombay-Bangalore bypass. Nostalgia... always strikes at the wrong time!!!

Well, to go on, Pearl one fine day is riding along. Day-dreaming about being the Maharastra Board Pune division SSC topper, and BANG!!!! On regaining her senses she realises that she had banged into this nice fat round BLACK buffalo!!!! Pretty much love at first sight. Pearl fell in love, head over heals! Honestly!!!!!!!! And she refuses to tell either Bond or Mom about it. Now the trauma (!?!!!!) of first love is so so so so so so much that poor little Pearl has started fantasising about Sex with the buffalo. About waking up, looking into the enchanting eyes of the buffalo next to her.

I think I'm traumatised now ;)